My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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