Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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