Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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