i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
