I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
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