My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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