): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
