I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
