Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she told me i tasted like america
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
