where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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