I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
