Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
