drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
