This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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