I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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