i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
