Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
