I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You dont lie about slip and slides
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
