He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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