ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
