Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
it's like iHOP with fire
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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