Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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