Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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