Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
