2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
