I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
sex in a hospital.. check
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
