Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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