Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i would punch a child for taco bell
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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