I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Randomize
