I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
