Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She's the barista slut.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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