I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
only you would photoshop your dick
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
