All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
