I wish my penis had an off switch
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
