I've blown a few things in my day
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
