Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
