I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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