if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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