After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
