Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
