I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
