mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
