Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
