Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
