Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
