I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
