I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
