70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
