I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
