You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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