I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
