He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
