you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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