I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
