the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
