The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
