life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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