I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
